Who Am I?

In our Sunday school class today we talked about knowing Jesus, really knowing Him, not just things about Him. As the teacher for the day, I emphasized that as a fairly new member of this particular church, I don't know, really know the people in my class. I know their names, most of their spouses, some of their children, and just general things, and I believe they are all Christians, but their inner being, their thoughts, the things that make them happy, sad, etc., I really don't know them. One member of the class replied, "Well, we really don't know you either." This is very true, because I keep me to myself most of the time. Maybe it's time I took a close look at who I really am.

I am the little girl who was afraid of the dark and thunderstorms, who stayed as close to her mama as possible during either; the little girl who idolized her sister and wanted to do everything just like her; the one who didn't quite understand the difficulties of a family with a mentally challenged and epileptic child (her sister), but loved her very much. That same little girl loved to sing while her special sister played guitar. The little girl always wanted to please her mama and daddy and this never changed as she grew into a teenager and young lady. However, sometimes she wondered if she was capable of ever pleasing anyone.

She worked hard in school, but could never quite reach the perfection she strove for, always just short of the honor society. However, she did love to write and excelled in that area of English class. Classmates sometimes groaned and looked on her with disdain when she asked high school teachers if the class would be writing any theme/research papers.

I am the young woman who cherished friends and held them very close to her heart. She cherished loyalty in friends and has had many. Those friends persevered until they won her to Christ. They labored 3 long years before she finally realized seeing and knowing Christ is not a difficult thing, just opening her eyes, heart and mind; letting her eyes see and her heart and mind receive Him. Those friends will always have a special place in her heart though she doesn't see many of them anymore. However, the one special friend, Rita, who held them all together, is still very close. In the next place of residence, there was another group of special friends and another that she maintains until today. They have seen many happy times together and again, they have helped her in ways they'll never know. She holds each of them in a special place in her heart. She is making new friends again since coming to a new church full of special people. She looks forward to a long and loving relationship with these new friends while holding on to all the others. A person can't have too many friends.
I am a wife, a mother of 3 surviving children, a grandmother of 4 and a great grandma to a darling little Kayley. I love my family above all except my God. I am a church member and I love my church alongside my family, seems they're all family so it's hard to make a separation there. A part of this family was a 4th child who was born both mentally and physically handicapped. Denise and the years we had her are an integral part of me. Though she is now with the Lord, I cherish the memories I have of her. My life would not be complete had God not seen fit to give her to us. However, He also took her away. He gave her to us for a loving lesson and took her away as a lesson in faith. I guess you could say I worry a lot, since I used to worry about Denise and what would happen to her if something happened to me first. In this way God gave me peace when He took her away. I now still have her but in my eyes, she now walks on the clouds holding the hand of Jesus, looking up at Him, smiling, fully whole.
Speaking of opening myself to: I also need to open myself to relationships, rather than keep me to myself. I am a very private person and do not feel comfortable opening up to others, as I should. It's difficult for me to just walk into a group and join in the conversation. Maybe I haven't yet taken Philippians 4:13 seriously, since I sometimes feel I cannot do some things. I do, however know that God gives me strength when I try. I guess I'm kind of shy and still need to stay close to Mama though she is now with the Lord. Is that what you call insecurity??
I would never want to live alone, but do enjoy some alone time at home. I enjoy listening to easy listening, old western cowboy music, heartfelt gospel and most golden oldies. My TV preferences are the old sit-coms, Matlock, Public Television and Dr. Phil. The only movies I enjoy are those that touch the heart. I've always loved music, singing, liked to write, read good books and cook; however cooking has fallen way down low on the list in my old age. After I retired, I went back to college and got a degree in Internet Technology and am having a great time using my computer and helping other oldies like me when I am able. I enjoy serving the Lord in whatever ways I can, but I am that woman who needs to look for more ways to serve and open myself to that service in a greater way
I don't like to be told what to do or arguments; this makes me become defensive and feel that insecurity again. I also don't like most sports, rock music, most modern television programs or paying bills. I don't like house cleaning, but once I get started after putting it off for a time, there's such a change, I find myself enjoying it. I just never felt there was a need to clean a clean house, so I just let mine get dirty first. If you come for a visit, you'll likely find it needing that good cleaning, but you're welcome just the same. I love to welcome people into my home, but I know when I go to Jesus' home, He will welcome me in ways I never dreamed of and His house will always be clean.
I'm not writing a story of my life here, so lots of me has been omitted, but this pretty much sums up the inner workings of me!